Stressful family situations always involve other people.  One reason for the lack of good communication is the difficulty of truly understanding someone who is different from yourself.  With friends, you tend to have something in common, usually around the same age, and you choose to be with them.  Individuals within a family have distinct personalities and individual differences. There are huge age differences, and possibly different cultural, religious, or socioeconomic backgrounds, if the parents have moved from another country. Even men and women communicate differently.

Pointers for clear, concise, effective communication

1. Be brief. Make requests or statements short. Too much discussion can obscure your main idea.
2. Be direct and clear. Say what you need or want from the other person. Hints are likely to be missed or misinterpreted. Avoid vague or confusing messages. Be specific.
3. Make “I” statements. Speak from your own perspective about how a stress situation affects you. Steer away from statements about the other person. “You” statements like “You should…” or “You should talk” are likely to make the other person defensive or irritated and cut off further meaningful communication.
4. Let your family know what effect their actions or words have on you. A good form to follow is “When you do …, I feel … “ If you say, “When you are late, I get anxious about your safety,” you accept responsibility for your reaction, and  give feedback to your family member about how his or her actions affect you.
5. Make sure your verbal and nonverbal messages are the same. Saying “I’m not angry” when you’re frowning and speaking in a sharp voice is confusing.
6. Be a good listener. Pay attention when someone is speaking to you, keep good eye contact, nod, and encourage further communication by asking for clarification. Give feedback that shows you understood, by paraphrasing what the other person has said or things like, ”It sounds like you get upset when you …”

It takes practice to develop communication skills that work smoothly. One way to practice is to have regular family roundtables where each person gets to speak uninterrupted for five or ten minutes using the guidelines we outlined. After all family members have finished, have a discussion period where other members get a short period to respond.  Remember, one member shouldn’t dominate the discussion.